What Whole Foods and the pizza man have in common

March 7, 2007

I wonder what I’m supposed to learn from the big, giant social faux-pas of mistaking a boy giving me his number to be part of a pyramid scheme as a chance to date him. The two are hardly the same.

I’m not kidding. It’s almost as bad as the time when I was dating a boy and the pizza man told me, as best he could in broken english, that I was too good for that boy. Now, when the pizza man tells you you can do better something is wrong.

A while ago this boy at whole foods was obviously (or what I thought was obviously at the time) interested in me. I mean, all the signs were there: nervous, stuttering, big dumb smiles, batting of eyes. the works. so after a few months I return to his lane. We make small talk and before I know it he’s giving me his phone number. “score!” I’m thinking.

This rarely happens to me. I don’t date much at all because guys (under 50, with most of his teeth, actual men of the male sex) don’t ask me out or they don’t respond positively to my advances. So I was ecstatic to have this cute, young thing scribbling down his number for me. for me! I’m 26, for the love of god! asking that an attractive man be in his 20s or 30s if he’s gonna try to holla isn’t too much to ask.

After leaving the store, I was smiling at myself every ten seconds. I told everyone that a boy gave me his number, because that’s not happened since i’ve been an adult. I even called my friend who also works at whole foods and asked her what he was like. making sure to ask if he was single. She said she didn’t know about that. A clue I later found to be much more meaningful than at that moment. I waited a full day and called him up wednesday night. The suspense was killing me. He picks up and says he’s glad I called, but could he call me back. I say sure. He calls me back and says, “so what do you do?” I tell him my job.

him: well, I have an opportunity for you to match your current income.
me: *wrinkled forhead, mouth agape*
him: call this 800-number and press option 5. it’ll give you all the details.
me: oh? press option 5?
him: I just finished eating dinner with my wife and kid.
me: wife and kid? (ok now you’re just rubbing it in, I think to myself)

So, all he wanted was a new recruit for a pyramid rent-a-lawyer scheme. I was embarrassed. But I can’t deny the humor.

But I’m getting kind of tired of these humorous incidents that really happened in my love-life. I could stand to have a normal dating relationship, but it just doesn’t seem to be jiving. I’m not upset or angry and I’m only superficially hurt because of all of these misunderstandings, but dayum, I am starting to get frustrated. What’s life without frustration though? Probably fairly boring for a single person.

Anyway, usually when I keep hitting a brick wall it means I’m not “getting” something. Which is why I asked what am I supposed to learn from this giant social faux-pas?

Maybe it’s one of these lessons:

a. keep listening to cat power and don’t worry about anything else.
b. you’re still not done with your own emotional work. no boys allowed until things are more constructed.
c. don’t waste your time on anyone with facial piercings.
d. just keep doing what you’re doing, and one day something spectacular will happen… maybe… actually, I don’t know. I’m not even a real test! this is just garbage you made up to put words in the universe’s mouth because you’re too anxious to wait for a real answer, you jerk. go live already!
e. all of the above, except c

I wonder if this is easier for everyone else.

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2 Responses to “What Whole Foods and the pizza man have in common”

  1. stopthepresses Says:

    Doh!!!

    As for item d on your test, I have been known to try to bully the universe into making things fit. Hi-larious! Usually the universe watches me bumble around like a drunk for a while, then when I break down crying yelling “Uncle”, things start to fall back into place.

    It’s the universe’s way of telling me “You’re my bitch, dear.”

  2. sovereign state Says:

    Haha! Your last statement is 100% true.

    You know, I’m mortified even in re-reading what happened with that boy, but I’m being honest in admittance. Plus, I know it’s just one guy. There are practically millions more and have had enough good experiences with boys that my couple of stupid experiences are just hilarious antecdotes.


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